Finding Nanny

I've been so busy trying to find someone to raise the kids ever since Anna died. Ha, ha just kidding. Anna didn't die. Omg, dying jokes are so hilarious. Actually, the nanny is moving so we had to find a new nanny. Tragedy has struck this first world home.

I can't tell you how many times it was only once  that I yelled  into my cell phone , "Tell the nanny to have the kids bathed and dressed for dinner and move some of our money to the hidden bank account!" 

We've had our current nanny for two years now and she's been great. She does everything we would have to do if we didn't have her. 

Like all of our nannies, we only hire Polish nannies. Not polish for furniture but the kind from Poland where they make Poland Spring bottled water all because Anna is from Poland and we don't trust anyone else to raise our kids. This is the only nanny we've had that speaks English so that's been weird. 

The day we found out the nanny was leaving, I got on Sitter City to search for a new one and I also contacted a placement agency. The lady that runs the placement agency mentioned I would have to sign a contract etc, before she could send anyone over to interview. I told her to give me 48 hours to decide if we would use her services.

This placement lady was not Polish or European but for some reason her website advertised finding European nannies and that she "had someone who was a perfect fit".

Not even two hours after I got off the phone with her I saw that she posted an advertisement on the Polish message boards advertising for a nanny position "For this absolutely AMAZING family!!!"  Yes we are an AMAZING  family but wtf. The point of using an agency is the assumption that the agency tries out the stranger first before you buy them. We can buy a perfectly good stranger on our own thank you very much.

Long story longer, Anna then posted a job on the Polish forum (in Polish) and in less than 24 hours we had 40 interested nannies.

We scheduled three days of back-to-back interviews and it was utterly painful. Usually (and I find this true with work too) you know whether you want to hire someone in like the first 5 minutes after meeting the person once you've ruled them out based race and gender identity.

Ok , here’s the highlights of bad nannies. Most of the contestants only spoke Polish and my Polish sucks and Anna didn’t translate everything so I just nodded a lot like what I do in my regular life.

Old Nanny

This nanny was old. She was like 79 or 80. There was already a hole dug for her. I mean, there was no way in hell she could even lift a pebble let alone a kid. She would be dead before we got back from work and the kids would call me on my cell and be all "Don't tell mom but the baby sitter is dead" and I'd be all "yeah, funnest summer ever now get a job".

Mercedes Nanny

This future nanny arrived in a very nice Mercedes SUV and was wearing a lot of diamonds. My first thought was prostitute but later I found out wealthy women can do other things for money. She was a psychologist in Poland and then a stay at home mom and now she just needed something to do and I don't mean more men. In all seriousness, we don't need no upper class nanny! Who would I talk down to? We fired her before she was even hired. OWNED

Kung Fu Panda Nanny

This was truly the most entertaining. She was about 58 and a half years old, She came dressed like an upscale second hand clothing store model and had plum / red hair. She was also wearing a hat and she showed zero interest in the kids. She did in fact speak English. I asked her if she was currently working in childcare and she said, “no, I teach kung fu and tai chi”. Then she got up and started demonstrating kung fu. She had a lot to say about Bruce Lee. He used his small size to his advantage. Did you know that? Well, that's what king fu panda nanny taught me. I found this particular interview odd, funny and totally fascinating. If she showed even 1% interest in the kids I would have hired her. After about an hour we bowed like the Chinese and she left. 

Pre-Madonna Nanny

This nanny acted like she was born before Madonna. She asked for more money and transportation costs in the first five minutes.  I was like, “Sure, on planet go fuck yourself. And there's the door. You better get used to walking out doors because you will be walking out a lot of doors in your lifetime and I don't mean closet doors you lesbian wanna be "

Eventually we interviewed two people that we really liked and hired one of them. She is boring and responsible person with a good work history.